Homestuck at Home
by TimeScientist
Summary: Homestuck, a popular webcomic on the internet. What happens when it's converted into 'units' and shipped to a couple of unsuspecting fans?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a humorous story that isiptea and I are working on together, based off of a concept called 'units'- manufactured versions of different characters. The idea behind units is not mine. Isiptea and I will be alternating between chapters.  
Please excuse the stereotypical, somewhat cheesy nature in my chapters. I just enjoy writing this in that particular way. Also, my apologies for lateness._

-

My fingers flit over the keyboard, tapping away at another search for fan art, something which was a rather common occurrence when my host family was off doing something- which was quite often. I had been brought to California on a student exchange of sorts, and hadn't made too many friends; but being somewhat reserved will accomplish that, I digress.  
After what seemed like, and probably was, hours on the computer, my email inbox flashes at me. Slightly intrigued, I open the message to find an unusual notice. I skim the text and find out that I have been selected to test a new 'Homestuck based product' that has been 'guaranteed to bring about a new level of drama in the household'. My currently blue gaze, hidden behind my seldom worn glasses, grows more and more confused by the moment. According to this, my 'Homestuck Units' will begin arriving in seven days- just as summer vacation starts. A smile graces my lips and I shut off the computer, deciding to tell Ethel soon enough.

-Seven Days Later-

I sit on the lightly coloured couch, nursing a bruised ankle in begrudging acceptance of my clumsiness. I was basically a walking collection of cuts, scrapes, and bruises from stupid things such as falling down a driveway for instance. Once again, my host parents were off for a couple of weeks for some sort of business excursion. I had hoped to start drawing again, but a knock from the door moved that to the side for a moment. I shuffled over to the door, honestly intrigued at what it could be.  
Upon opening the beige oak door, I came across a delivery man whom promptly handed me a waiver and tipped his hat in greeting. Casual small talk filled the space as I passed back the white parchment and the young brunette waved in an older looking man, whose current task was apparently to wheel in three decent sized crates.  
To be quite honest, it was a rather nice surprise, and I found myself waving good bye to the red and yellow clad delivery men with a tad bit more spirit than I usually possessed in my lazy ways. Apparently I was in a good mood!

My height reaching a pique in interest, I dashed over to the boxes. Each was pretty thick, sturdy and presumably difficult to open. My now green gaze, unveiled from glasses and coated with contacts, scrutinized the boxes with an extreme curiosity. However, despite my frequent attempts, I couldn't open the crates. All I ended up accomplishing was covering my pale fingers with various scratches and slivers. Huffing, I blew some stray blonde hair out of my face, and retrieved seven band-aids to distribute among my fingers, naturally choosing exceptionally colourful patterns, before deciding to call someone who always had good ideas!

My arrival in America was rather dull- I spent the majority of my time at home trying to either program computers, draw, or do something equally isolated and therefore I was considered rather anti-social. It didn't help that at school, I was a rather odd duck, and often pushed people away. Luckily for me, there was someone who, in my opinion, enjoyed being around me! Oblivious to the dull thumping now emanating from crate number three, I skipped over to the phone and dialed the vintage dial-up phone, classic black on the white counter top.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ri-  
"Hello?"  
"Bonjour!"  
"Oh, hello Hannah. How are you?"  
"I'm good, I just-" thump!  
I turn my head, suspicious of the sudden noise from behind me. All three crates, side by side in the living room, seem fine. My focus turns back to my friend over the phone.  
"Hannah? Is everything alright?"  
"Yes, of course! You see, my host parents are away again, and I got these crates-"  
"Where in the world did you get crates?"  
"Some nice men gave them to me this morning!"  
"I cannot believe you are left alone for so long. What are in those crates?"  
"That's just the thing, I don't-" thump.  
This time, the thump is accompanied by the sound of something hitting the hardwood. I look behind me, and one of the crates has been busted open, one of the boards now lying on the floor. Through the corner of my eye, I can almost swear that something moved into the hallway going upstairs.

"Um, I think I'll grab a weapon and hide in my room."  
"Hannah! Do not hang up on-"


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Hello, it's my turn to write [iSipTea] I'm not one for lengthy introductions, so please, go right to the story._

12:01 A.M. That was the time when I paused from my mindless idling on the computer to check.

"Is it really?" I say to myself. Typing away searching for worthy fanfics to read can really consume one's time. Not that I had much to actually use on other things, though. Well, there was one exception.

I lean back on my leather swivel chair and stretch my arms towards the glowing monitor. The rest of my family meanwhile is sleeping comfortably and peacefully on their own beds. That means I have this entire house to myself.

Silence can amplify even the most subtle of sounds, did you know? That's exactly what it does when I log onto my email account. The soft clicks, when tapping a key on the keyboard, echo across my humble abode.

Since it's quite late, I don't think anyone would bother to email me. Normally I'd log on to flush out the endless clutter of spam that eluded my spam box, which is what I plan on doing. That is, until I spy one message that makes me fraught with curiosity.

"Huh, Homestuck Units?" I mutter, leaning forward and adjusting my glasses for a better view on it. I feel like I have heard that before. Nevertheless, in a nutshell, the message notifies me of my being chosen as one of the few people to test the thing.

Maybe because there was no one to stop me, because there was no one to tell me that what I was doing was wrong, I accept the position. The package should arrive in seven days, no more, no less. It was unusually perfect timing, since school ends the day before.

A sudden wave of fatigue from the ocean of tiredness hits me hard, and I strain to keep my eyes open. To quickly remedy this, I shut off the computer and flop onto my bed.

I must remember to tell Hannah about what I have done today.

-Seven Days Later-

"-me!" I shout at the phone. Too late. The beep I hear now signals that Hannah has indeed hung up on me.

Regardless of the strange ending, I smile as I place the telephone back on its placeholder. I rarely ever get a phone call, especially from a person in my age group.

Despite that, our conversation was strange. Crates? She must have gotten a delivery or something similar to that. A delivery...

Suddenly it hits me like a freight train. I was supposed to tell her about the Homestuck Units! I mentally slap myself on the face for forgetting such a thing and proceed to dial her number. Until I hear a ring from the doorbell.

I sigh, but go to the door. The phone call will have to wait. She seemed like she was busy anyways. Wouldn't want to bother her, now would I?

"Yes?" I say as I swing open the entrance.

"Delivery for Ethel," the man replies. I take his clipboard and sign the documents with my handy dandy pen on hand. I never walk around my house without it! I return his things to him.

He nods curtly and another man comes, wheeling in a few decently-sized crates. Three to be exact. I could do nothing but just stand and watch as he placed them down one by one onto the floorboards of my house. They leave as quickly as they had come, leaving behind unbearable silence.

"Should I open it now?" I think. "Maybe I should wait 'til Hannah calls again and then open it with her on the line..."

So it was settled in a five second conversation with myself.

I comb my black hair with my hands as I think of what I could do to pass the time.

"I could always be the one to call her-" No. That was not an option. I never take the initiative on something; especially since she called me about an hour ago. It would be rude to all of a sudden call. I guess I could blame that as the reason why I don't have many friends.

I shake my head furiously. This was not the time for pessimism.

I stand up suddenly and begin pacing back and forth in my living room, repeating words in my head until my feet get sore. In times like these I sort of wish that school hadn't ended yet. Though, I know I'll wish the opposite when that happens.

"I haven't checked the crates since they got here," I mutter to myself. With that, I walk to the neatly stacked boxes- or, at least, they were before.

I look at it now and it's a mess. The top most box is toppled to the ground, and scattered around it is oodles of styrofoam. My first instinct is to clean it up.

"Oh gosh, if my family comes home to see this..." I say. I don't finish my sentence for fear of it actually coming true.

They were away at my uncle's house. I decided to stay home for two reasons;

1) I had to wait for the delivery

2) I needed time to hide the delivery before they see it.

After stuffing everything back into the crate, I take them one by one into my room. The process takes about 5 minutes. As I take the last one though, a chill goes down my spine. I turn around and I think I see something.

"P-probably just my imagination," I say to myself. I try not to think about how many people in the movies end up dead because of what I just said.

For a safe bet, I lock the door to my room firmly.

_*ring*_

I flinch and shout from the noise. I really am not used to hearing that.

"Hello again Hannah!" I say cheerfully.

"I found out what was in those crates," she says. My tree bark brown eyes widen.

"You... Had three right?"

"Yes, I do recall saying that."

"Oh." My mind was calculating the circumstance, the chance, that she may have a-

"They're here." She says suddenly. Before I could ask, the phone beeps silent for the second time today.

*knock*

Something taps lightly on my door. Gradually its knocks crescendo until it threatens to break the door at its hinges.

I grab the closest thing I could use as a weapon.

Naturally, I was doomed.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: This was a longer-than-planned chapter. Hope it's okay. _

"They're here."

I slam down the phone with mild panic lingering in my tone. In my right hand is a rolling pin, and in my left I hold the door knob still. By 'they', I am obviously referring to the people undoubtedly responsible for the plethora of suspicious noises sounding from the hallway outside my room. I can pick out three voices, all of which are getting dangerously close. They seem to be speaking, but I cannot make out all they say.

"…probably dangerous and…"

"Perhaps it's actually…"

"They went in here."

The last snippet I catch puts me on high alert, and I recoil from the door with tense muscles and a readiness to attack. I grip the wooden rolling pin with a firm hand, and stand in my practised stance. I know various martial arts techniques, and I have been known to be violent, so as my green gaze steels itself, all that I need comes rushing back. Hands, check. Stance, check. Weapon, check. Targets…

As the smooth metal handle of the door twists to open, and the footsteps cease their steady rhythm, I smirk and do a mental 'check'. The snow white door swings open, and I give out a war cry, pouncing and bringing down the rolling pin with remarkable accuracy. A satisfactory crack sounds out, and I feel the pin snap in half due to the impact of a skull.

Upon observing my adversaries, I nearly double over in shock. I had expected anything from thugs, to ninjas, to robbers, and back again. But of all things, I had not expected trolls.

Reeling back, I brandish the remains of the rolling pin and glare- mentally unprepared for this. I recognize three of the trolls from Homestuck, a webcomic I happen to love. The crumpled figure now unconscious on my floor seems to be a slightly groaning Equius- whom I assume smashed open his crate earlier on. Behind him stands a slightly stunned Kankri, whose eyes resemble dishes, and a more-than-unhappy Sollux.

"What the actual fuck?"

Begins the psionic troll, gently nudging the KO'ed blueblood drooling on my floor. Once I realize that these three are probably not going to rob/kill/maim me, I ease a little and return to my relaxed slouch. My mouth opens, and I prepare myself to speak, but my apologies and/or interrogations are interrupted.

"Oh my goodness! Do you know what you've done?! This so so triggering, I cannot even begin to convey how emotionally upset I am! First off, violence is frowned upon as a method of greeting as well as an action overall. It causes physical harm to the targeted person, which may lead to retaliation in the form of more violence. This creates a string of pain until one or more parties involved are unable to condone and participate in the brutal acts. This being said, retaliation in itself is-"

"Dude, thut up."

Kankri stops his emotional tirade, through which he had been waving his hands about as though they, too, were trying to escape his word. His lips tug into a pout, and I can tell he is about to lecture Sollux about interruption or manners, possibly both. To avoid another earache, I smash the rolling pin against the floor and both the trolls jump in dismay.

My bandaid covered fingers gesture impatiently towards the two remaining trolls, and a huff of air blows by my lips. One foot taps against the ground in a steady rhythm, and despite my desire to squeal in excitement, at the manifestation of these characters, I can do naught but glare in obvious distrust.

"Would you like to explain yourselves? Perhaps, I don't know, how you exist? Or maybe why you're in my house? Because if anything is triggering, it's having to defend my homestead against three alien-troll-things."

Silence greets my slowly growing voice, and the only thing to break it is the cautious standing of the third troll, his cracked glasses looking worse for wear, even considering the circumstances. Eventually, the blue blood speaks.

"I don't know. Perhaps we've gotten off on the wrong foot."

To emphasize his point, he touches the sore spot remaining on the top of his forehead. Wincing to prove that it hurts, Equius' gaze returns to me.

"Fine. Come downstairs and we'll talk."

Moments later, we all sit at various chairs in the dining room- everyone on edge and nervous. I can tell by the way the others hold themselves that I am to initiate the conversation.

"My name's Hannah."

My voice comes out quieter than I imagined, and I resist the urge to clear my throat. No one says anything, but Sollux cracks a small smile, and chuckles.

"Great, tho when I warn the otherth about the thychopathic bitch in the houthe, I know who to mention."

Light laughter trickles through the group, finally breaking the ice in the room, and Kankri opens his mouth to say something, but I gasp and cut him off.

Both my hands fly to my wide open mouth, covering it in quick succession to the escape of air. My green eyes widen in awareness, and I stand up- pushing my chair to the ground in a sudden movement. The noise alarms everyone else and I notice that Equius breaks out into a sweat.

"I forgot! My God, I cannot believe that I… Geez louise I'm such an idiot! Gah, the humanity, with the trolls and the pins and the-the-gah!"

My sudden incoherent rambling is enough to shock Kankri into action, and he moves next to me to see what's wrong.

"Hannah."

"Of all the damnedest, grr!"

"…Hannah, what triggered you?"

"I just- nyah! Something's so ssss-!"

"Hannah!"

Slap!

Everyone freezes as a grey hand marks my pale skin, the contact of skin on skin halting my tirade mid-sentence. Too shocked to say anything, I gingerly touch my cheek and turn to my left, staring at a slightly twitching Equius. Though slightly surprised that I didn't have a broken bone, I have to bite down on my lip to avoid crying. Kankri immediately begins lecturing Equius and Sollux returns his attention to me.

"What wath that about?"

"What was what about?"

"…Theriouthly?"

It takes me a few minutes, but I realize he's referring to my earlier fit. A beaming smile lights up my face and I scratch the back of my head idly. My fits come and go at various times, and are almost always embarrassing. I timidly grab the phone and dial a number before returning back to Sollux.

"I just forgot to call a friend. Can you go make sure Equius and Kankri are alive?"

"No."

"Thank you!"

Ignoring the disgruntled look on his face, I raise the phone to my ear and wait for Ethel to pick up. I plan on bringing her up to speed and then inviting her over- I'm not always stupid, and I know that leaving me alone with three trolls is a terrible idea.


	4. Chapter 4

My thoughts are running laps, and my palms are getting sweaty. The bamboo stick I'm holding in my hand gets slippery by the second.

The knocks subside but when I press my ear up against the wall I can hear a loud voice- a loud and extremely profane voice.

"You inadequate fuck, how many times do I have to fucking knock before you can hear me?!" it says.

Terrifying.

I shove the door open and swing as hard as I can with the stick, which wasn't very hard. I could only hear a soft thud from it making contact.

"What the fuck? You call that a hit? I could do more with my fucking pinky."

I open my mouth to say something just as insulting back to the person, before I realise it wasn't a person I was talking to. Not at all.

Tousled hair, nubby horns, and a black long sleeved shirt. The troll donning these is none other than Karkat.

"Well aren't you friendly, Karkat! You introduced yourself before I had the chance!" Another voice says, directly behind me. I spin around quickly due to trust issues. The thing I don't trust though, is what I see.

A buck-toothed boy with thick glasses and a blue monster t-shirt, oh do my eyes deceive me- no, it's John.

"Oh fuck off Egbert," Karkat mutters, a slightly red tinge in his cheeks. "The leader isn't supposed to be polite. I'm just showing this... Person, the way to fuck up being a leader," I was about to tell him my name when yet another interruption presents itself.

"W-well, w-what do w-we havve here?" The troll presents itself quite well actually, though the accent was quite strange . He rests his arm on my bed, and sits on my swivel chair.

"Eridan, that was so fucking stupid and anticlimactic as shit!" Karkat says,"I can't even take you fucking seriously because of that crappy display."

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad." John says, beaming a lopsided yet supportive smile at him.

"You really think so?" Eridan says, tearing up. "I'vve been practicin' that the entire time you guys have been ignorin' me!" The flashy troll walks toward me, kneels down, and grabs my hands.

"What are you doing?" I ask, more curious than disturbed, though only by a slight margin.

"Just tryin' to see if you'd be w-willin' to give me your name," he says.

"It's Ethel." I say. This gives me an excuse to pry my hands off his strong grip.

"That's a nice na-" John begins.

"That's a weird name for a weird person," Karkat interrupts.

"Good. Then it suits me," I say, flashing a smile- more like a sneer- at Karkat. He scowls.

Now we all sit at my dining table, and I think, "This is really a dream come true." Karkat meanwhile was busy filling the room with his ideas.

"I suggest me being the leader out of all you fuckers," he says "Besides, I was the one who met Ethel first, and-lo and behold- she assaults me! The nerve of people sometimes," That escalated a bit too quickly for my liking.

"Okay, that's enough," I say sternly. He actually listens, and it seems Eridan has noticed the abnormalcy as well.

"Oh? W-what happened to your preachin' just a few-w seconds ago?" He says. To add to that, he gets up from a comfortable chair and slides to Karkat.

John meanwhile was off in space, daydreaming of God knows what.

Karkat opened his mouth to reply, but suddenly-

*ring*

Everyone jumps, and it's funny to see that the trolls reacted so strangely to the phone ringing.

Karkat bolts from his chair and tries to get under the table and Eridan looks like he's trying to go back underwater.

"Do you havve a pool?" he asks.

John just stood up and picked the phone up, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Oh, it's... Ethel's brother," he says. He gives me a wink and continues. I, on the other hand, could not move.

"I see. May I speak to her?" I should've taken it from him, but him handing it over to me should suffice.

"Hello," I say.

"Would you like to come over? I have something important to tell you,"

"Like what? You can tell me here," I say. It's not that I didn't want to come over, because honestly, I really wanted to go. It's just that I don't want to leave 2 trolls and a human alone together in a house. I would have to hide them, in case my family came home, because they will have to eventually.

"Well, I guess it can't be helped. I'll tell you what happened, but I still extend the invitation, because after this, I really think you should visit my house."

So she tells me. How she ordered the units, how they came, and that they're with her at this very moment.

I as well confess that I had units, and I explain to her why it is difficult for me to go.

"That sounds like quite the predicament," she says after. I nod in agreement, before I realise we're talking through the phone.

"Yes. So, do you have any ideas?"

"I think so,"

"Oh? What is it? I'd like to hear it."

"Bring your units over along with your self to my humble abode," she says.

"Great idea! Okay then! I'll be there soon!" I say, and I end the call eager to go visit. It's been a while since we ever visited each other's houses.

"Hey, guys!" I shout to the three. They look at me from playing a game of "Go Fish" on my dining table.

"About time. I was getting fucking sick of this shitty Earth game," Karkat says. John looks crestfallen.

"What do you mean by that? This game is awesome!" He says. Eridan looks sort of sick.

"I'm not feelin' w-well, actually," he says. I pull him away from the game.

"Guys, we're going on a little trip,"


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Pedestal. That word has eluded me for around fifteen minutes- thanks to lack of sleep._

Placing the phone back on it's pedestal, I turn back to my unexpected guests with a lopsided grin on my face. Kankri is deep into a discussion on the abnormalities of being guests in a strangers home, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

"Hey, didn't you have green eyeth before?"

"Hm?"

I face Sollux, not fully comprehending the question. After a moment, I understand and chuckle a little. A quick nod answers him, and I elaborate further.

"Definitely! But my eyes change colour, mostly due to the light or what's near me. They can also show my emotion, but not through colour!"

"Tho if you were really fucking mad-"

"Let's hope it doesn't show through!"

Instead of continuing the conversation, I distract myself by observing Equius' reaction to Kankri. He looks like hell, almost as if someone whacked him over the head with a rolling pin or something.

Wait. Oh shucks.

I burst out into a fit of laughter, alarming Kankri into stopping his speech. It's understandable that they think I'm weird- I often have outbursts. Quickly and quietly, I retrieve an ice pack; of which there are many for injuries and such. Said ice pack makes its way to Equius, and he sighs in relief at the cooling surface on his bruise.

Still beaming, I sit on a chair beside Sollux and clear my throat.

"I still have questions, by the by."

I begin, matter-of-factly. Silence as my answer, I continue.

"How many units are there? What is a unit? Why were you sent here? Where-"

"My god, thut the fuck up. You're worse than thith athhole," Sollux motions towards Kankri, who flushes in embarrassment, "and that ith a grand achievement, take it from me."

"Erm, what he meant to say is that there are very few units existing- so far only alpha and beta kids in either session," Equius grumbles. I nod, and he continues.

"Units are incarnations of characters. You were deemed fit to house us, apparently. Those are your answers."

And as he says that, I chew on my lip in thought. I don't even notice that time has passed until Kankri pipes up.

"Out of curiosity, and personal obligation, may I inquire as to the whereabouts of your Earthly equivalent of lusii, natively known as 'guardians' in the most generic sense?"

My mouth gapes a little- I'm not the sharpest when in a certain mood. After processing his words for a full thirty seconds, I beam and reply in my chipper fashion.

"My real parents are two thousand, six hundred kilometres away, give or take."

A chorus of confused 'what?!'s follows my statement, I giggle and finish off the thought train.

"But my host family is somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean!"

Stunned silence meets my words, and I frown at the dissatisfied look on everyone else's faces. For a moment, worry lines etch into my skin, and my face adopts a concerned expression. My gaze flickers from troll to troll.

"They left you behind? Jutht like that?"

"Could you please elaborate on the parental situation presently presiding in your life?"

Within five minutes, I thoroughly explain to the trolls that my family is actually far away- further north. That makes me Canadian, and I am really just in America for advanced programming. The chime of an antique clock rips me out of a speech that was putting Kankri to shame.

Forty minutes had passed since my phone call. It was approximately a thirty minute walk from Ethel's house to mine, so I assume that her units were giving her trouble. My eyebrows knit, until a light poke breaks me from my trance.

"You thtill there?"

Sollux deadpans at my mouth, hanging agape.

"Yes. I think that I should get the door though."

"What? But why would you-"

He's cut off by the loud chime of the doorbell. I ignore his unnerved face in favour of treading towards the door. Sometimes I had exceptional timing, and I make a point to blow people's minds without meaning to.

Opening the door, I reveal Ethel, who stands with an unidentifiable liquid in her hair, and a duffel bag at her side. Her face is scowling, and I can tell she's attempting to ignore the argument behind her- Karkat and Eridan were in full debate about... birds? John looks absolutely terrified, white as a ghost.

I wave them in, but initially pounce on Ethel with a big hug. Undoubtedly the units would all cause mayhem but oh well!

"Yay! Now we can all do something!"


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Oh no, Standards Tests have started. Looks like its going to be a horribly slow week for me. Albeit that, I enjoyed writing this chapter._

I stuff a surplus of important items into a little bag; a wallet, my iPod, headphones, a sketchbook, a led pencil, an eraser, and a notebook.

"What's all that stuff for?" John asks. I look up at him and smile. I smile for two reasons.

1) It's John Egbert. I can't help but smile when I see the goof's face.

2) Manners maketh the man.

"Like I said, we're visiting a good friend of mine. These are some things we can do to pass the time." He nods quietly and walks over to Karkat and Eridan, who were busy lounging on the couch.

I turn my attention back to my black bag, fondly regarding being stuck in such a situation.

"Better not keep Hannah waiting," I mutter as I shove the last item in. I stand up quickly, put on my tennis shoes, and open the door. It was a very sunny day, normal weather for California. The sky was a bright blue, and there were no trace of clouds to be seen.

By now, Karkat and Eridan stood near me, mesmerised by the bright light wafting into the hallway. John followed suit.

"Let's go," I say, gesturing them toward me. It was quite a sight, really. They acted to me like lost puppies who've been brought to new homes. They have an untrustworthy look in their eyes, but I continue to beckon them closer. By the time I shook the thought off, we were already outside, I already shutting the door. I put a laniard around my neck, dangling on it are my keys.

Hot was the first thing I thought of when I stepped outside. I rarely ever go anywhere, so it was natural. I just felt like sweating so much, I would make Equius envy the amount.

It was quiet for the first moments. The kind of unnerving quiet you get when someone gets in trouble and the teacher has finished thoroughly yelling at the person. I've seen it quite often.

Karkat just puts his hands in the pockets of his baggy sweatpants, looking down at the ground as we walk.

Eridan admires the sky, his head looking straight up at it. It must be because it's blue, like the ocean.

Both are in danger of walking into a pole.

John, meanwhile, looks forward, his arms at his sides, an almost expressionless look on his face. What goes on in his mind, I don't think I'll ever know.

"Hey, does your friend have anything Nic Cage-related?" John says suddenly. I flinch a bit from the suddenness.

"Uh, I don't know, I'll make a note of it,"

Karkat scoffs.

"What the hell kind of answer is that?"

"What did you expect?" I say.

"Something more smartass or fucking snobby," he says. "Like Rose or Kanaya."

"I'm so sorry," I reply. "Your opinion matters so much to me."

"Oh, is that the 'human sarcasm' I w-was informed about?" Eridan says. "Kanaya told me about it," I crack into a smirk.

"Oh no, of course not! I meant it with all the sincerity I have!" John chuckles, and decides to join in the shenanigans.

"Hey Karkat, I think you're an awesome leader, and I will agree with whatever you want!" he says, adding an extra-obvious layer of human-sarcasm.

"I'm fucking glad someone finally decides to say that to me. I deserve the fucking recognition and-" Karkat stops because he notices John and I dying on the sidewalk from laughter.

After an apology from the both of us (and a lot of shouts from Karkat), the walk reverted back to the uncomfortable silence.

"So, who's respiteblock are we going to?" Karkat asks. "Because if the bitch is anything like you..."

"Don't worry about it. She's a lot better than me," I say. "In fact, you could say that I admire her."

"Oh? W-well, I admire you," Eridan says, an obvious act to hit on me. Or maybe I was just being negative.

"Haha- no. Save your pity for someone else," I say. Though my voice was serious in tone, my playful smile contradicts it.

Before Eridan could say something, I see Hannah's house in the distance.

"We're almost there," I say. My leisurely walk turns into a light jog as excitement sweeps me toward my destination. The only thing that stops me dead on my tracks is-

*plop*

"What the..." I mutter. I feel a wet and sticky fluid drip down the strands of my hair, and I'm afraid of what it could be.

"Hey, Ethel, what's wro-" John doesn't finish as he manages to process the event that has occurred. The trolls don't have much luck though.

"Yeah, you stopped walkin'. It seems that somefin got in your hair," Eridan says as he jogs to catch up, his cape flapping due to it.

"What the fuck is up? You said we were almost there. Don't tell me you fucking changed your mind like a bipolar asshat." Karkat says. I shake my head, unable to say anything.

"Hey John, do you know-w?

"Uh-huh." He says, nodding slowly to confirm it. "A bird... Dropped a bomb on her."

"What the fuck? That is basically all I have been asking this entire fucking day. Gogdammit, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? See I did it again! Fuck!"

"I think it means-"

"Shut the fuck up, Eridan, I don't need your bullshit right now."

"That's hurtful! After all I'we done for you!" Eridan says.

"Oh suck it up, you sea-dwelling scum."

"Let's not fight, guys!" John says. Naturally, he's ignored.

"So apparently there are earth-birds as well. Fucking great. Well, unless they're nothing like the one's in Alternia," Karkat says.

"They can't be similar. After all, troll mowies are different, along with troll romance nowels." Eridan says. "Right, Karkat?"

"Hell yes. For once, you had something fucking right. For once, you're not completely full of seaweed."

"Hey, fins off the fish puns. Those are mine,"

"You don't tell the fucking leader what to do. But fine, I'll let you off this once."

"Good."

"Back to the fucking topic that we just fucking changed, I think the birds do drop bombs, but metaphorically. The only thing I don't have a clue of is what the metaphor signifies,"

"Like I said before, I think the birds spit at you,"

"Hey, what are troll birds like?" John says.

"Karkat, w-why don't you tell him?"

Subdued whispers are behind me until John pulls a Karkat, that is, he says what the fuck.

I continue walking, trying to ignore the argument reaching its boiling point, and trying to ignore the fact that the gooey substance is dripping lower into my hair. I make another mental note to ask if I could use the sink when we get there.

As if by sudden coincidence, I find myself right in front of the house. I ring the doorbell- which cuts off Karkat and Eridan- and stand there.

The last thing I think of before the door swings open is "I hope I don't look stupid."

If Hannah had not hugged me once the door did, I would have confirmed it.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Five cheese pasta is a recipe made by a close family friend who is also a chef. It is one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted, bested only by the pasta handmade by another family friend, but that is an ancient Italian recipe. Due to it's rich flavour and texture, we are only permitted to eat this pasta ONCE A YEAR. Any more, and you'll be sick from the taste.

"Oh yay! I am so excited, I see you are accompanied by Jorn, Karkat, and Eridan! Aw, John is adorable, little derpy cheeks and all! And Karkat is seething, that is also adorable in its own respect and ERIDAN! Awww, he looks so uncomfortable and freaked out!"  
I begin, ignoring the fact that Ethel is gently massaging her temple, Karkat is in a long winded rant, mirrored by Kankri, Sollux is laughing his ass off, and Equius and Eridan are standing there unsure of themselves, appearing very awkward.  
"Hannah."  
Ethel interrupts, apparently she has something interesting to say but honestly, the red on John's face is too much and I practically vibrate, giggling and squealing at the tiniest of occurrences.  
"I haven't seen you in forever! Actually, probably a couple of days since I got kicked out of school again but-"  
"Hannah."

"-and I suppose I should really get started on food, but I have so many theories that need to be tested and-"

"Hannah."  
"-I love your shirt, where'd you get it? Have I seen it before?"  
"HANNAH."

Ethel raises her voice, which causes me to stop like the loyal puppy- er, friend, that I am. A smile is beaming on my face, my blue eyes shining with excitement. I realize that in a somewhat cute fashion, I resemble a small child after one too many candy bars. However, I feel really hyper, and happy, and shiny! Yes, I have the abstract feeling of 'shiny', which is sort of like joy and cotton candy mixed together.

"Yes," I reply in a sickly sweet manner, relaxing my shoulder and standing up straight. I stand at a solid 5'8 1/2", so I hover over Ethel by six and a half inches. However, I am taller than 95% of kids my age, so this is normal. I seem to be a little bit taller than John, decently taller than Karkat and Kankri who are both around Ethel's height, and around the same height as Equius and Sollux.

"Focus."  
Ethel reminds me, furrowed brows hinting that she is in distress. Is that bird crap in her hair?  
"The bathroom's over there if you need it, everyone can gather in the dining room, and since it's five o'clock I can make supper!"

I announce this, and, without hesitation, head off to the kitchen. Equius leads the others into the dining table, albeit Eridan held back and Ethel veered off into the hallway. My smile widened as Eridan comes into the kitchen with me and leans on the granite counter.

"So, wwhat is for supper?"  
"I will be making a wonderful dish! It is... Five cheese pasta!"  
I grinned widely, remembering the recipe for the five cheese pasta perfectly. I hadn't made it in a year and now seemed like an excellent time to make it! I pulled out the pasta maker and some dough I had left over from making pizza. I passed some to Eridan, who stares at it as though it was a diseased piece of waste.

"Wwhat am I suppos' ta do with this?"  
"Knead it."  
"Wwhat?"  
"Take the dough and dig your knuckles into it!"  
I grin and move to the cupboard, grabbing mozzarella, cheddar, Parmesan, goat cheese, and the secret, coveted fifth cheese. When Eridan peeks over to what I'm doing, a possessive glare passes over my face, and because my eyes basically portray what I feel, he looks away and continues softening the dough.  
Another moment passes, and I'm darting around the kitchen getting supplies. Wine, cheese, bowls, graters, etc. With practiced precision, I turn to Eridan and smile.  
"So, you done with the dough yet?"

I inquire softly, my smile resting easily on my face. The fishy troll is surprisingly quiet, and I assume he's confused and uncomfortable in this new environment.

"Yeah, I'm fin-ished. So wwho are you?"  
He asks, leaning on the counter once again as I start preparing the pasta- not too thick, not too thin, a nice linguine.  
"Hannah Herzberg, and you are Eridan Ampora, correct?"  
"Yeah. Wwhat's wwith all a this stuff I sea here?"  
"My host family's got a bunch of different things, they're well off and all."

Time to boil the pasta, and in it goes! I spin around and start grating the cheese.  
"Host family?"  
"Yeah, I'm on a student transfer, I actually live way up North in another country, but I came here for the advanced program."  
"How long ya been here?"  
"Here specifically, almost two years."  
It's silent for a moment, and the look of shock on his face is enough for me to tell that he's surprised. Most exchange programs were much shorter, but I was actually here because I had all but surpassed available resources in my home town and so my parents had me sent to California.

"Eridan?"  
"Yes?"  
"I need you to get eight plates, eight salad plates, eight set of utensils, eight glasses and two center piece bowls. I'm going to start tossing the salad."  
Ignoring the look of distress on his face, I retrieve the salad things from their origins and begin assembling the Caesar salad skillfully. This happened to be one of the dishes I knew and favoured, therefore my moves were muscle memory and habit. By the time I was finished, Eridan had dished out most of the things, and began struggling with glasses. I carry in the salad via one of the center pieces, and leave it in the center of the table.  
"Pasta will be ready shortly."

I announce, ignoring the sight of Equius hiding behind Ethel in fear of an angry Karkat. Retreating into the kitchen, I pick up a glass bottle containing some unidentifiable liquid. I reach for the wine, and then stop myself. It was probably best to keep alcohol out of the equation. Satisfied with my choice, I leave the homemade apple juice on the table and once again dive into the kitchen, hoping Eridan will leave the glasses peacefully.

Having finished boiling, the pasta is ready. I move it into the centerpiece and add in the cheese, placing it in the oven for a few minutes to crisp the edges and take out some of the moisture. Finally, I am ready to present my perfect dish.  
"And now!"  
I exit the kitchen with the centerpiece handy, greeted by the sight of Sollux, Eridan, and Equius scurrying back to their seats. Ethel's face brightens, as I wave my hand with a dramatic flourish.  
"Ethel, I've told you of this dish before. Five Cheese Pasta, a pasta so cheesy and delicious that we may only ever serve it once a year. I was taught it by a close family friend, and it is fucking delicious," I finish crudely, dishing up portions for everyone.  
"Bon Appetit!"

-

Halfway into dinner, I can't stop laughing. Eridan managed to piss off Karkat, and so Ethel made a snide comment- triggering Kankri into a traumatic rant. I clutch my stomach as the aftermath of the laughter trips me up a little. I can barely lift my fork, I've been laughing all night.  
"Oh yeah?! Wwell your FACE is stupid."  
Eridan snaps at Ethel, hands making an obscene gesture. The girl in question holds back a chuckle, and promptly flicks some cheese onto the fish troll's face, fork serving as a suitable catapult. Another fit of laughter overcomes me, and it's all I can do to not fall over in the process.  
"Erm, I would like to thank you for this delicious food."  
Equius finally pipes up, looking at me with an unreadable face. My thumbs shoot up in reply.  
"S'all good four eyes. After dinner, we've gotta come up with accommodations."

I almost become serious, until Eridan shouts at the top of his lungs.  
"I am BEAUTIFUL and you KNOW IT."  
I then begin to laugh myself onto the floor.


End file.
